Last Item...

it seemed like a cheap shot, but like all parting, it can be such sweet sorrow...

..or it can be a tremendously cheap shot.

may 2009 be all you want it to be.

but make sure you have a back up plan.

Certain things are undeniable...

the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. there are dark places in the world. thinking is the greatest enemy of perfection. everything sleeps. animals cannot speak in complete sentences. people live. people die. and the time in between is a mixed bag. breathing is good.

scum continues to float to the top.

Lunch The Box

presents

no bacon 4 u

a review of the undeniable scum that always floats to the top... and why we're taking away their bacon.

here's a guy who needs to have his bacon removed with extreme prejudice... 

this is Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich. he decided he would sell Barrack Obama's recently vacated senate seat. he decided to do this while he was under investigation. he decided to brag about it on a tapped phone. not only did Rod decide to commit  crime, but he was stupid about it to boot.

we imagine the next time Rod sees bacon, he'll be trading buttsecks for it in cell block "d".

The Gift That Keeps On Giving...

well, the holidays are right around the corner and nothing says "merry christmas" like another worthless token of empty headed consumerism. 

nothing says "i care" like a personal gift festooned with personalized images and words.

nothing says "i gave up" like grabbing the first cheesy knick-knack you see, just so you have something to hand to that special someone on christmas morning.

because that's what it's all about, isn't it?

Seriously, it's a legitimate question...

these are hard times, no doubt about that...

and nothing sez  get bent, hard times  like a frivolous purchase of worthless crap. especially when that worthless crap promises to be the ebay money maker of the next century. (and if you can't wait that long, you can get your postage and handling charge back at your next garage sale).

own your historic piece of the 

delicious victory.

Why The Fuck Not?

(click the pic for the full on glory of it all)

In preparation...

tomorrow, being thanksgiving, is a day for breaking out the impressive recipes and trying to make them work with turkey.

it's a tough bit of business. this year we're having a salad with a lovely bacon vinaigrette and for some serious goodness: bacon candy. but we have to say, haven't seen anything like this before

and if  we hadn't already planned on how we were going to make turkey digestible this year, we'd definitely be doing this...

Turbaconducken

and since we're all over the baconfest, check out Bacon Today.

happy thanksgiving, kids. stuff yourselves silly.

The Baconics Academy of Deliciousness...

(click the pic for a complete schooling)

The Three Not-So-Little Pigs...

Once Upon a Time...

There were three not-so-little pigs 

who lived in the bad economy forest 

(formerly known as America) 

and one day they turned on the news

and saw the big bad wolf 

(formerly known as Wall Street) 

getting a big ol' 700 billion dollar handout

from the government.

So, the three not-so-little pigs hopped in their private jets

and flew to Washington DC 

(formerly known as Cow Town)

and sat a big ol' table and looked all sad and said..

Hey, we want money too.

But the government wasn't handing out money that day.

(Especially when the government found out none of the pigs 

were going to be giving up their private jets 

anytime soon as a gesture of good faith)

So the three not-so-little pigs were shit outa luck.

The End.

now, if you're wondering what this has to do with bacon,

remember this: bacon comes from pigs.

bacon is tasty and delicious.

pigs (like the ones pictured above) are greedy assholes 

who fly around in private jets begging for taxpayer money

so they can keep making crappy automobiles.

maybe it's time we got us some bacon from these worthless pigs.

Special orders don't upset us...

okay, this is just silly.

How it works...

lots of folks ask...

"yo, lunch, what's with all the bacon references?" 

well, we've said it before, we'll say it again: bacon is delicious.

politics not so much. politics can leave a bad taste in your mouth. especially these days when the political climate in this country is openly hostile. and without getting into a big long rant about how that happened (we blame faith based wedge issues),  here at baconics we believe bacon can make politics delicious.

and let's face it, it's easier to digest something you enjoy chewing.

click the pic for closer inspection.

this chart shows lunch the box's thought processes on the various political issues of the day. see if you can recognize how thinking about bacon makes these topics easier to stomach.

and remember, no bacon for joe-zo.

(despite the dems letting him keep his)

as far as we're concerned, he remains spam.

special thanks to our buddy baron for the joe-zo logo

It's harsh, but you gotta do what your heart tells ya...

seriously, this lieberman yahoo has got to go.

sign a petition here.

and here.

you can see 10 reasons why he sucks here.

and a delicious bacon dessert recipe that joe "droopy" lieberman can't have here.

Excuses we can live with...

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you who's getting your billions.

I'm eating bacon right now." - Henry "Hank" Paulson

A Fun New Game...

it's gonna be a long couple of months. 

(click the pic to enlarge)

a view from behind...

well, kids, it's a done bit of business. and to tell you the truth, i'm a little confused about how to feel. naturally, i'm overcome with emotion that at least half of amerika pulled its head out of its ass to do the right thing. very hopeful. very changeful.

unfortunately, all of amerika didn't quite manage this great feat. quite a few of these morons kept their heads neatly tucked away. and more than quite a few californians managed to overcome their racial bias so they could indulge their homophobia. truly, a grand bit of dumbfuckery.

so today, while wrestled with the idea of how great this country could be, the dark side of my nature spent the time gnawing at the old bone of discontent. i wanted to be hopeful and look to the future that i only dared dream about 20 months ago, but i kept stumbling over the realization that that future was to be shared with a great many god fearing "real" amerikans who needed to be reminded on a daily basis that religion and politics were never meant to mix. and until they actually come to an understanding of this, we will never be free of the demagoguery of faith based zealots.

plus, i was out of bacon, so i had to have a lettuce and tomato sandwich for lunch. so much for a brave new world.

Political Love Graphics

Hey, kids, Lunch The Box here...

Well, it's almost over. 

tomorrow the fun ends and the real problem begins. the longest election season in the history of this country's democracy comes to a close. even undecided voters have to pull their reluctant heads out of their saggy asses, drag themselves down to the polling place and apply pedal to metal, so we can start sorting this mess out. and don't fool yourselves, kids, it will be a mess. besides the usual whining and complaining, there'll be a whole lotta voter fraud accusations. if it's close, there will be legal action. if it's not close, it may just be simple outraged violence. here at baconics, we're optimistic a remedy will present itself. we're just not too hopeful of it healing properties. there are a lot of angry people out there. and if things don't start going their way soon..

well, it could get super interesting super fast. really, just super.

but for now, we only have one last shot. over the weekend the mccain people sent out a simple chart to help people compare the two candidates and where they stand on the issues. it was simply, easy to read, and entirely lopsided. we took a few moments to make corrections and sent it out again. it won't really change anybody's mind...

..but neither did the original.

A couple of scary bits...

a couple of frightening things have come out of this election (sidebars, of course, to the one large scary thing that could come out of this election)...

• sarah palin being hailed as "the new ronald reagan" (which basically implies she's an old dead cowboy who can't remember where she parked her horse)
• the 2012 campaign begins nov. 5th
  

seriously, 20 months of presidential campaigning sucked. but 48 months? that's gonna suck and blow at the same time and we all know what happens then...

...that's right, the world will collapse on itself. 

politics never goes away. it is a tasty aspect of life (especially if you think about bacon every time some moron tosses his political concerns/fears/bleetings on the fire) that can add unwanted inches to the waist and unnecessary fat around the brain. and while campaigning never seems to stop, we, the people, are well within our rights to ignore it. and since we can't count on our elected officials to exercise good judgement and restraint, maybe it' s time the electorate turned it's back on the endless parade of lifeless packaging we call "elections". 

at least until the last couple of months, when everything turns vicious and ugly. then maybe, we can sneak a peek.

everybody knows, america loves a train wreck.

update: speaking of scary bits, check out this chunk of crazy from texas: 23% of voters polled in texas are convinced barrack obama is a muslim. proof once again that no matter what the truth is, people can ignore it.

It's letter time...

(click pic for the full monty)

there are some guys you just hope go to jail.

Ted Stevens is one of those guys.

so long, ted, don't let the door bang you in the ass on your way out.

Lunch The Box World Invasion Tour...

(click pic to enlarge)

getting a little tired of politics at home, Lunch hits the road to find out what other nations think of this nightmare we call foreign policy. first stop, former ally Pakistan.

How it happens...

in real life, they seem invisible. no one notices them. all they want is for somebody to pay attention to them. then one day they come with a fabulous plan. a couple of days later they are being lead off in handcuffs.

no piglets were actually defaced in this demonstration.

piglet is of course a registered trademark of walt disney and all of their corporate outlets.  if any of their legal representatives happen across this post, please contact us immediately and we'll tell you about some preschools in the neighborhood that have recklessly painted your characters on the walls of their facilities.

Stuff U Learn From Bacon, part 2

(click to enlarge)

kids, there's always a chance to learn from the mistakes of others.

lunch the box teaches us that even though we hate those other guys for not loving america 

the way we do, doesn't mean they don't love america. they're just doing it wrong. 

and we have to be tolerant of their wrongness.

A little something something..

while lunch the box is putting together a little something he likes to call

"stuff we learn from bacon", we thought we'd toss a little tasty bone out there to anybody paying attention (all both of ya). 

they're calling it the bacon suit  and while you probably wouldn't want to wear it huntin' (or to a barbeque), it will certainly be a hit at your next prom, wedding or funeral.

A couple of things you should "no"...

your pal, Lunch the box, has a compiled a brief list of things you should "no", if you don't already...

• no, obama is not a muslim. 
• no, he's not the anti-christ either. if he was the anti-christ, it'd be harder to point out.
• no, colin powell is only black when he endorses a black guy for president. the rest of the time, he is a soldier who has served his country for most of his life (like john mccain, only mccain would never endorse a black man for president).
• no, all christians are not assholes. like everyone else in america, they just suffer from bad leadership.
• no, this election has not gone on forever (it just feels like it).
• no, sarah palin did not abuse her power in alaska (unless you read the report that said she did and then, yeah, she may have...and, oh yeah: wink).
• no, bush has not left the country, but the country might have left him.
• no, fox news is not really news. but neither is cnn, or msnbc, or any other televised reporting. it's not really infotainment either (as it lacks both). 
• no, the recession is coming (it'll be the only thing under the tree on christmas).
• no, politics and bacon don't mix. but if you have to be force fed something shitty tasting, you might as well associate it with something really delicious.

America needs new pipes...

(click image for larger view)

how pathetic is america? judging from the media sensation that is joe the plumber...

...fairly pathetic.

of course, we're probably wrong to blame america first (this is, after all, our way). 

we should probably blame the media for not ignoring john mccain when he brought him up in the first place. but, hey, what else are they going to talk about? there really isn't 24 hours worth of relevant news, so there's got to be filler. unfortunately there is so much filler that things back up and that's when you really need a plumber. 

                except joe isn't really a plumber...

..which brings us back to..

..never mind.                                                

Lip Smackin' Desperation..

well, the debate wasn't quite the game changer mccain was hoping for. and the negative stuff is starting to bite ol' dickhead in his saggy tired butt. so what's an ex-p.o.w. desperately seeking the presidency to do?

Equal Time & All That Good Sh*t

the last of the presidential debates is tonight and that's a good thing. our liver is taking some serious hits. last debate, the drinking words were "taxes" and "my friends". needless to say, we were deeply in the bag before the end of the first half hour. tonight's drinking words will be "terrorist" and "bush". for those not into serious binge drinking in the middle of the week, your words will be "ayers" and "keating". have fun. and remember what lunch the box always sez...

if it isn't making you sick to your stomach, then it isn't politics.

bacon is hope!

(with  apologies to shepard fairey, creator of the original "hope" poster)

A "rescue" package we can all get behind...

whatever you do, don't call it a "bailout".

A brief explanation...

wednesday of last week, i get a notification from Blogger telling me i may be a spam blog and they're going to shut me down until i can verify for them that i am a real human being and not just some canned bacon gone completely off. so i verify. and i wait patiently. two days pass, nothing. i spend a few minutes trying to figure out how to contact Blogger support and maybe plead my humanity to a real human being. nothing. i verify again. nothing. the next day the same thing. now, i'm starting to get a little pissed off. and there is absolutely no way i can contact Blogger directly and vent (which is all i really want to do at this point). so i decide i will "verify" every damn day until the release my blog from spam hell. i visit their verify page and lo and behold and all that good shit, Blogger has finally recognized that i verified. now all i have to do is wait until they can take a look at my blog and decide whether it is indeed spam. silly assholes, i mutter to myself, it's not spam...

...its bacon.

i'm back. let the bacony good times begin.

Okay, it's not about bacon...

so, sue me. 

A little help with tonight's Townhall...

Lunch has a created a quick flow chart so you can follow Grandpa's thought process during tonight's Townhall debate. Good luck everybody. Don't forget to find that drinking game.

Nothing but bacon this morning...

it's not usually our way, but this was too important not to pass on..

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26992568/?GT1=43001

Cook's Illustrated picks the country's best bacon. who needs friggin' politics?

a subtle reminder...

"A man thinks that by mouthing hard words

he understands hard things."

-Herman Melville

Just cuz she's talking doesn't mean she's thinking.

- Lunch The Box

Lunch The Box Sez...

I tell ya, that Sarah Palin is a master debater. The way she was able to cram all those talking points into ninety seconds, it was like a thick slathering of mayonnaise on a warm b.l.t.

You could actually see Joe Biden licking his lips and mouthing the words "yummy".

Kinda like the way Papa John McCain goes all googy-eyes as he's checking out her tight ass while she's stumping for his saggy old one.

And they call the media sexist.

That's comedy.

 

The Bacon Knows (recent edition)

(click image for larger view)

lately the bacon has been real excited about sarah palin. 

not only is she a god fearin' shotgun wieldin' hottie, 

but bacon really enjoys being "sexist".

and as an extra bonus, rumor has it

the governor from alaska has an awesome

recipe for moose bacon.

The Bacon Knows

(click image for larger view)

The Bacon Knows has been around for a while.

this one is an earlier version.

in case you didn't know, most of the bacon

i know personally is very political.

chewy and crunchy. that's all you have to remember.

Hmm, bacon...

seriously, it's not all about bacon. but bacon seemed like a good place to start. joe sixpack enjoys his bacon. as do elitist scum. with the exception of a few vigorous religious types, bacon has a broad appeal. so, we start with bacon...

...then we move on to the offensive stuff.

Stuff U Learn From Bacon

click for a larger view